LATER this year, the relationship counselling service Relate will celebrate its 70th birthday, and to mark the occasion, and the changes that have occurred over the years, the Aldershot branch has launched a new-look website.

Relate was set up in 1938 as the National Marriage Guidance Council by Dr Herbert Gray in response to the adverse effects being placed on marriages by the strains of modern life.

The service it originally provided is still as relevant today, possibly even more so.
But of course society has changed dramatically since those early days, accompanied by major shifts in attitudes towards relationships.

All these changes have made life easier in many ways, but they have also brought with them new problems, especially as families now commonly contain a complex mix of relationships, and expectations of both men and women can be high.

Relate has evolved along with society and today it offers counselling and advice to more than 150,000 people around the country in 800 locations.

Karen Shearn, a counsellor and sex therapist based at Relate’s office in Aldershot, explained how the charity had expanded its service to reach people of all ages in a wide variety of situations.

She said: “Relate is not just about marriage guidance any more. Our trained counsellors can deal with just about any kind of relationship, including homosexual ones.

“We have Relateen, which is geared towards youngsters from the age of ten upwards, and we can also give specialised counselling to the over-55s. Sex therapy is my particular area of expertise, and after relationship counselling this is the second most popular — and very successful — service we offer.

“It is an interesting area because it’s not just about sorting out sexual dysfunction or loss of libido.

“It can be a symptom of a bigger problem — for example a woman might have undiagnosed post-natal depression or there might have been a series of unresolved events that have led to the current situation.

“We can help couples see the bigger picture.”

Although fundamentally relationship problems may still be caused by the same triggers as before — often a basic lack of communication — the routes into and out of these situations have altered as people have different demands placed on their time and a wider range of options available to them.

Furthermore, greater independence for women means they are less willing to tolerate unsatisfactory relationships.

Karen said: “There are a lot of pressures on people today and these can vary according to the stage of one’s life.

“Younger couples, for example, often now don’t have the option for the mother to give up work when children come along, which means juggling work with family life. On the other side of the coin, older couples whose children have left the nest may suddenly find they see more of each other.

“The pressures of modern life can mean that couples find it difficult to dedicate time for the day to day chat that cements relationships, or they may simply have forgotten how to talk to each other. We can try to help them to open up channels of communication again.”

Karen stressed that it was a commonly held misconception that Relate encouraged couples to stay together.

“Our job is to help people look at their issues and come up with the right decision, and in some cases this could be to separate,” she said.

“We don’t make any judgements on who is right or wrong and we take the view that the two people in the couple are the experts when it comes to their relationship.”

For couples who decide to split and who have children, developments in family law and the advent of the Child Support Agency  mean there is increased support available to families.
There are clearer guidelines set down in areas such as custody, and financial responsibilities are more defined.

Karen continued: “There is no longer the belief that they have to stay together for the sake of their children, but parents do want to get things right for them. There is more of a feeling that it is important for the children to continue having a good relationship with both parents, unlike in the past when fathers could often become estranged.

“These days men want to be involved with their children’s lives and are keen to get things sorted out.”

In fact, changes in society’s attitudes towards their role can often lead to confusion on the part of men — another area where Relate has had to move with the times.

“Men are still expected to be strong and manly,” said Karen.

“But they are also expected to be emotional beings who are in touch with their feelings.

“The traditional roles of men and women are becoming more blurred.”

Add to this the fact that women can be more demand-ing at home and sexually and are increasingly dominant in the workplace, it is not surprising that men can be unsure about how they are expected to react in certain situations — and sometimes get it wrong.

Karen hopes that things might be easier for the next generation of men now that schools include discussions on relationships and emotions in their personal and sex education lessons to help boys understand and talk about their feelings.

For those young people who are having problems, Relateen can help them sort out their relationships with family and peers and give them the opportunity to express what are often complex and confusing feelings.

Where young people are affected by separating or divorcing parents their behaviour can be symptomatic of the turmoil they are feeling inside. They may become disruptive at school, or it could be that a new partner for one of their parents or difficulty adjusting to a role within a step-family is causing anxiety.

But by helping them come to terms with and identify their issues, Relate’s counsellors can allow them to learn to successfully cope with what can be a traumatic time.

“Teenagers’ problems can contain an element of how they see themselves,” said Karen. “But more often than not they are linked to other family members in some way.

“These days there are so many pressures and distractions affecting teenagers so we are pleased to be able to offer them somewhere they can talk with confidence, and fortunately we are finding that these young people are becoming more willing to talk.”

Whatever the age of the offspring, parenting and parenthood form another area ripe for potential conflict and difficulties — and again changes in attitudes towards bringing up children, and indeed the behaviour of the children themselves, can lead to strains within family relationships.

“Again it’s about expectations,” said Karen. “These are huge when you consider what parents do for their children.

“Having a new baby can cause difficulties in a couple’s relationship, particularly in the sexual department, but it doesn’t stop there. It can continue when the child grows up a bit.
“There is the pressure of the financial side of things, but also with all the running around parents do after their children.

“Time can also become a precious commodity and relationships can suffer.

“Then when the child hits the teenage years, a whole new area of conflict can open up when you’re dealing with a possibly moody young adult who is trying to find boundaries and as parents you can’t agree on the best course of action.

“This could be something as simple as deciding whether a daughter should be allowed to sleep with her boyfriend, but when there are opposing views it can lead to a highly charged situation all round.”

It is this modern world of rapid change coupled with the desire to do the right thing that leads many people to seek the advice of Relate’s counsellors.

Time for talking might be rare, the family members might find they can’t talk about their problems to each other, they might feel they talk and talk and get nowhere, or they might simply not talk at all.

In all these cases Relate offers a safe place where people can not only explain how they feel but they can also listen to and think about what their partner has to say.

Karen said: “It’s as if coming to Relate slows everything down. Everyone gets a chance to say what they want and they are made to listen as well.

“We give them time to think about what they want to say before they say it and we keep everything contained and focused.

“We can observe how the parties interact with each other and then we can suggest ways they might improve their communication, such as not interrupting and giving each other respect even when emotions are running high.”

This calm approach can be vital if the matter under discussion is domestic violence.

This is another area where there has been a change in attitude in recent years and there is a great deal more support available for both the victims and perpetrators than in the past.

An increased willingness to talk about domestic violence and to seek help has brought this most secret and shameful of relationship problems out into the open.

But it is also a subject requiring the greatest sensitivity and diplomacy if any progress is to be made. Karen continued: “People should not be afraid of coming to us with this kind of problem.

“Everything that we discuss in this room is completely confidential, unless we feel there is a situation where a person, particularly a child, could come to serious harm.

“However, one concession we do make is that we might invite each partner in to talk to us separately.

“This is to make sure that everyone stays safe and it gives the battered partner a chance to say what they really feel without fear of punishment later.

If there is another element to the problem, such as alcohol or drug abuse, then we would recommend specialised counselling as we are not trained to deal with these types of specific issues.

“But of course once this has been sorted out the couple can then return for more general relationship counselling.”

Perhaps one of the biggest changes seen by Relate over the last 70 years is society’s shift in attitude towards homosexuality.

Karen said: “We are seeing more gay couples because they are now more comfortable talking about their sexual orientation and their problems.”

For more details on Relate visit www.relatebasingstoke andaldershot.org.uk.