News

Reshuffle is a hoot at loony conference

By Stephen Lloyd
September 30, 2009

MONSTER Raving Loony members descended on Hook for the party’s annual conference last weekend.

Among the first to book into the Raven Hotel was party leader Alan “Howling Laud” Hope from Fleet.

“We’re very interested in seeing who can produce the biggest expense account because it has been so topical in British politics recently,” he said.

“I’ve got the ball rolling by booking a fiver on my credit card.”

Mr Hope said introducing a new 99p coin is still a firm favourite among party members but he is still trying to get the Saturday market sign in Fleet pointing in the right direction.

“I’ve been trying to get the council to sort it out for three years now,” he added.
“Every time I mention it they say oh, it’s not my department.

“They’ve spent all that time and money trying to get the parking lines right in the town centre but they can’t even turn a simple market sign around.”

One of the first things Mr Hope had to do when he arrived in Hook was to buy a new bedroom cabinet for the party’s famous annual cabinet reshuffle.

Boy bands

“We left it here last year but it’s not here any more,” he said. “It’s a disappearing cabinet – just like Labour.”

Mr Hope managed to find a new cabinet in the White Hart pub, just down the road.

“It only cost me a couple of pints so I’m saving my party money – unlike a lot of MPs in this country,” he said.

Crondall-based Elvis impersonator Dale Fontaine was also keen to stamp his mark on the conference.

“I will be urging everyone to listen to Elvis music because it’s the best,” he said.

“I will also be calling for a ban on boy bands, especially boy bands singing Elvis songs.

“I’ve been singing Elvis songs for more than twice as long as Elvis. He did 23 years and I’ve done 52 years now, starting off at the Central Ballroom in Aldershot.

“Vote Loony. You know it makes sense. It may be nonsense but it makes sense.”

R U Seerius, who comes from Derbyshire, is the party’s shadow minister for housing, the homeless and absentee voters.

“My main policy this year, which seems to have gone down well with party members, is to set up a public inquiry to find out why Mission Impossible always succeeds,” he said.

“I really do think this is of national importance.

“I think we should also set up another inquiry to find out if the Hokey Cokey really is what it’s all about.

“We’re also trying to make things fairer in the justice system by setting up a Court of Human Lefts.”

John Cartwright is the party’s shadow minister for chocolate.

Described by Mr Hope as a real fruit and nut case, he believes there should be free chocolate for pensioners, students, the unemployed and low income groups.

“There will be vegan options as well,” he added.

“I will also be campaigning to make the Millennium Bridge wobbly again.”

George Robertson, who has been general manager of the Raven Hotel for the last three months, was delighted the party had returned to Hook for its annual meeting.

“It’s certainly going to be a conference with a difference,” he told the News & Mail as members gathered on Friday.

“Obviously I’ve heard of them – not many people who watch the general elections haven’t. The party has a long history and I think it’s important everyone has their say.”

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